My Boi

The first time I saw their picture, I knew it right away – they are the one I’ve been secretly searching for for quite a bit already. I knew it somehow right away – this is it, this is the one: I need them, and I’ll do everything I’d have to in order to be with them. They were always surrounded by crowds: guys, girls, bi, pan…, you name it. But I knew I needed them all by themselves. And I knew that I was ready to go out of my way, leave my comfort zone, pay any price… Any price, I mean it… 

What do I do? What should I say? How do I approach it, and where do I start? I cannot just say, “I’m dying to fuck you right here and right now, and I hope that the act lasts forever and we never cum…” Why,  would they even listen? And what are their sexual preferences? Well, I know mine… I thought I did. I am not quite sure anymore, actually. No, I don’t know mine. Why do I need to know anything? I know they are the one I want, but is this enough? How should I act? What should I say?

Well, I am a guy. And I had majorly dated men. Yes, men. Do they like men? Let me give it a try? How do I start?

I did not need to start. They noticed me and, guess what, I did not even need to introduce myself. Somehow it just happened: they knew it all about me. I guess I am a popular guy after all! What is it about me though? A fetish? Can I be a fetish? Why cannot I be a fetish. People do have…. I do… Wait a second… 

I was sitting in front of my computer and doing some weird research… No, I am lying. I was not doing any research… I was barely typing, scrolling through some transgender porn pictures… What the hell is going on? No, I was NOT thinking. All I was doing is rubbing. I told you it is going to be triggering. My heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit, my cock… throbbing…  What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING? 

Is it just… do I just need to jerk off? Will it all go away? When was the last time…? Why am I feeling so turned on? They are the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life! Lord, please, do something! All the Lord could do for me at that moment is help me unzip my pants and I cummed like a boy would cum first time in his life: scared, terrified, and wanting more! 

• Hey, how are you doing?
• ???
• I have been thinking…
• ???
• Can we talk…
• Of course, we can talk. Usually I only talk to people I am not sexually attracted to though. 
• Oh. O.K. I got it. You are not sexually attracted to me. And that is why we can talk. Is that right?
• No, what? I said, usually… You are an exception…
• ????????????????  You look so… so… muscles are so toned, arms… legs…. Everything is so defined. Do you like to be fucked? I have never… I have several times….
• I can do both. Do YOU want ME TO fuck YOU?
• YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? What did you just say? 

They moved towards me without anymore talking, pulled my shirt towards themselves, wrapped their hands around me. It felt amazing! If they feel my cock…. They have to feel my cock… Their hand slid inside my pants and I felt their fingers looking for my entrance… Shoot, that felt amazing…Better than amazing.This is not happening. It HAS to be a dream. Of course, it is a dream, right? I felt precum wetting my underwear. They make me drip so fast, it is not how I usually…. We are not even naked yet. I pulled away and took a deep breath. They smiled and pulled me towards the sofa. I am not sure I can hold it anymore. I had never felt like this before. I need them to grab me and start fucking all right… They were looking into my eyes. There was no rush. Just that gaze and that smile! 

• I have never done this before? 
• A strap-on. You are going to like it, I promise!

We kissed, and I felt the condomed and lubed huge dildo entering my ass slowly and steadily till it reached my G spot and I screamed. Oh, My, God! They pressed, and I screamed again. They pulled it ever so slightly to let me catch my breath, and grabbed my cock at the same time. That was not necessary, and I tried to resist. They listened, and released the cock, but grabbed my hips vigorously instead. At that moment we both were one perfect vibrational unit, feeling the rhythm, echoing each other’s sound. There was no talking, just the breath, the rhythm, the motion, and the immense energy that was rising and rising in both of us till I could hold it no longer. I wanted to cum.

• Please, can I cum?

They pulled the strap on out and bend over. I grabbed them by their hips and fucked them so hard that we both were shocked. I did not know I would… 

• Where do I cum?
• You always cum inside of me…

I slid my finger to find the enlarged clit while continuing my motion… The moment I touched the clit.. 

Ok.Ok. Hope you enjoyed it. More to come.  

Unfair

Many years later I got a message that Chris got seriously ill. I was already married to another guy. I visited him in Berlin once again to reconnect if only for a glimpse. I saw him on the hospital bed, us, being good friends now… The moment I entered the room there was that deep connection of souls that buzzed my whole body. There was something in his eyes that was more than any words could say. We kept staring at each other in complete silence for what seemed to last for eternity. There was pain, and pleasure; there was connection and anticipation of separation  for yet another even more lengthy period of time…

I finally came to my senses and slowly approached his hospital bed, tears in my eyes. 

• How are you doing, Chris?

There was no  verbal response. I sat gently on his bed, our eyes devouring each other’s soul! He put his right hand on my right shoulder and smiled. I did not move. His hand was hot. We were both silent again, his left hand moved towards my left shoulder, and pulled me closer to his face. 

• Chris…

He just continued pulling me closer till my cheek touched his. Then he strengthened to lift himself from the pillow to meet my lips. 

What was he going to do? Was Chris going to kiss me now? When his hot lips touched mine, there were no more questions, there was just our kiss: ripe, juicy, meaningful, and very honest. What is happening between us? Here there was Jerry waiting for me at the door. Jerry was hot and sexy, but now he was just my friend. And here is Chris, who was my friend, but now he was hot and sexy. 

• I  am glad you came. How is your father doing? (I had no idea he knew about my father being sick back in Russia).
• He is not feeling very well. I might need to fly back tomorrow. But I promise, I am going to return the day after. I promise. I want to be with you right now. I need to be with you!
• Do not worry about me. I am not going anywhere. I am going to be here when you return. You father needs you right now probably much more than I do. Promise me you will go and be with him at the moment of life when he needs you the most!
• I promise, Chris! I also promise that I’ll be back in no time!

Three days later I was rushing along the hospital hallways to Chris’ room. His bed was empty. Chris? 

Buzzing for the nurse:

• Excuse me, ma’am, there was a guy in this room. His name was Chris… When was he discharged?

No… no… no…     I don’t want to hear that… Do not answer that question…

• He passed last night…
• How? How did he pass? Was his sister with him?
• Yes she was, she was just in time…
• Was his husband?
• He had a husband?

Unfair!!!! Unfair!!! Unfair!!!

A Present for Santa

The day was gloomy and I felt depressed… “What kind of Christmas is it?” I thought to myself… But, obviously, somebody overheard my thought. Of course, My Sweet Muse!

“Are you ready for an adventure?” My Muse asked me. They offered me their arm, and I automatically knew that it would be the most magical experience I ever had in my life.

With child-like wonder and trust, I held onto their hand, eager to enter the land of glamorous queens, charming princess, transgender warriors, and the most amazing and incredibly kinky daddy of them all – Sir Fabulous Santa Clause.

Oh, how I longed to get closer to Santa: to sit on his lap, to feel safe in his loving arms, to be loved, accepted, and supported just for who I am. Or did I want to love Santa, to show him how appreciated he is for who he is? I wanted it all.

“Muse, please… I would be the most amazing elf Santa ever met in his whole life… I promise: the most obedient and well-behaved, submissive, surrendered, fully conquered little elf of all..,” I was begging my Muse to let me meet Santa this Christmas. The muse only smiled and threw me the keys to my car…

I parked my car right in front of the most cute little house covered with glittering snow and surrounded by rows after rows of scented evergreens. I walked up the front steps, finding neither doorbell nor any other bell whatsoever. I took my glove off and turned the door knob. The door squeaked and slowly opened. Eagerly and without a sound, I entered in.

The lobby was welcoming, but there wasn’t anybody there to greet me. Enigmatic mirrors, heavy chandeliers, soft lights, velvety armchairs… I lowered myself into the softness of one of the couches and took the deepest breath I took for the longest time. I felt warm, relaxed, and at home: safe, protected, and cared for.

The idea to start wondering where in the world everyone is hiding, and where the heck is Santa himself did not even come across my mind. Love birds chirping, fish tank’s filters seething, lavender oils seducing my eyelids to lower the gaze… Am I dozing off?

For a second or two I was still fighting the temptation to give in and close my eyes completely until I felt a soft touch on the shoulder. It was a heavy arm of yet one more sweet seducer of all the mortal creatures stuck here in the abode of melancholy – Legendary Morpheus.

I do not know how much time has passed since I entered the building, but when I batted my eyelids open, my rested eyes caught his fabulous figure standing on the stairs, looking down at me.

“Santa?’ I jumped unto my feet.

“It’s all right, my dear, it’s all right,” he waved me to sit back and swiftly ran down the stairs, his silky shorts raising and exposing the sexy calves and hamstrings.

“You look like… like…,” he clearly was searching for a word he could compliment me with and not offend at the same time. I heard him breathing heavily and noticed him licking his lips.

“Like a little elf?” I tried to help Santa.

“Hell, yeah… come,” he took me by the hand and led me up the stairs, “Why wait?”

When we came up the stairs, he wrapped his arms around me. My body started to relax even more.

“Santa loves little elves,” he moved closer and placed his lips on my neck. I was loosing control over myself and did not mind it at all. Nothing in the world existed anymore, just me and him dancing in the eternal swirling of passion that conquers and destroys, uplifts and ruins, heals and triggers at the same time. What am I doing here? Overcome with the sweetness of the moment, I flicked my tongue and touched his ear ever so slightly. My cock went up and now was pressing against his thighs. What will he think about me now? I did not care any longer. I did not mind. He was the only one I wanted, he was the only one I waited for so fucking long… He moved even closer, his cock pressing against mine… Our eyes met… Our cocks feeling each other through the cloths, throbbing, earning, ready for it all… We smiled at each other… No words were necessary…

“Shall we?” his eyes asked me, and I lowered my gaze in reply.  We released the embrace and slowly reached out for the buttons on each other’s shirts. This moment seemed to last forever, but there was no rush, no impatience in it… our eyes still locked, our lips smiling, pulsating in anticipation of the kiss that has never happened… I moved first, rubbing my chock against his, devoured  by the strongest desire I ever experience in my life. I felt his hand going down… “Wait!” I grabbed it and looked straight into his eyes once again. “What is it, love?” his eyes smiled… He knew… I knew that he knew… Why am I doubting then?

“I am not a girl, Santa!” tears in my eyes… Could Santa get hard over a … guy? He only closed my lips with his hand and pulled me even closer. I kissed his hand. All I wanted was to through him on that fucking bed right now… but I shouldn’t … I’ll wait for his next move. I AM a patient elf. Santa, please take me… There was a swirl-hug, and we ended up on that bed. I was not sure anymore who pushed whom at the moment… or maybe we just pushed each other? We were kissing insanely, cupping, sucking, biting… we were so happy in that unending swirl of ups and downs and back again… I loved him on top and I loved topping him, and it felt like heaven just to be with him…  I moved my hand to slid his cock out… then I stopped, looked into his eyes… he was fully relaxed and surrendered. “Should I continue?” I asked without saying a word. He nodded. I reached down and pulled his dripping cock out of his pants. We were both hard and panting.  I held onto it very gently and slid my tongue up… and… down… my hand slowly brushing against his soft butt cheek, reaching his promising entrance… There was no going back. It felt right, it felt amazing, and I was at home with what was going on at the moment.

“Do you mind?” I knew that our initial roles switched, so I wanted to make sure Santa was still O.K. with what was going on at the moment. He was just breathing deeply and without talking: there was full surrender, and he knew that I knew…  how to make him happy. The tissue underneath my soft fingers felt welcoming. I pressed and moved my finger ever so slightly towards the very threshold. His level of submission was beyond description. I gently helped him roll over, and exposed both of his butt cheeks.

“You look amazing,” I could not but open his butt and slid my tongue inside. It felt so good! I could see he was ready for more to come. I released him, and unzipped my pants… He was still silent and motionless. The lube on my cock and my hand… the tip of my cock touching his soft skin, my hands opening him, pulling him towards me. Gently but firmly, I moved my cock into his body deeper, and deeper, and deeper till I pressed against his G-spot so hard that he moaned in ecstasy. There was no much pull-push game in here anymore, but rather one constant push, after push, after push… neither of us could stop, and it seemed to last forever. There was no me anymore, just him. All I cared about was him: to make him happy, to make him ecstatic, to make him yell and scream, to make him cry and laugh… to make him cum, to explode with the kind of orgasm he never anticipated to experience from the little elf he met just an hour earlier. “This is my present for you, Santa. You keep yours till we meet next time. Is it O.K?” Santa was still motionless, but he reached out for a kiss. We kissed.

“There will be other times, too, Santa… I promise… And you can fuck me all the way you want… And I know how to  surrender, and I know how to be patient, and I…  I love you, Santa…”

There was not more talking. We kissed again, and I left. Happy. Blessed. Ready to love.

At the door I saw my Muse. They were smiling at me. We hugged. “Thank you, Muse!” These were my last words. The Muse remain silent. They waved me into the world, and and I entered it empowered and much-much stronger than ever before. Merry Christmas, world. Lots of love this year. I believe in you! Peace!

Temptations

We exchanged a couple of FB comments which basically rotated around how horny we both felt that day. Holy sh..! How much does he already know about me? Does he know I’m trans? Usually I’m not thrilled to share this vulnerable side of me with strangers. But that day I thought, “WTF do have to hide?”

Actually, I very soon found out that I was more than just ok with sharing this piece of myself with him: I was eager to share!!! We had quite a few steamy conversations, and I didn’t mind at all.

I usually don’t allow other people do that, but he could ask me any question he wants.

Our first video chat was everything I thought it would be and more. I saw that look in his eyes… On one hand, it was a kind of look I’d previously seen in guys before. It was a combination of “I won’t let you know I want you” and “I’m seriously interested…” On the other hand, his eyes were clearly undressing me: my neck, my chest… Usually guys at least try to hide their interest. This one was intense, his eyes were saying, “I don’t mind fucking you baby.”

My imagination ran wild. In my mind I felt him coming at me from behind; grabbing, pulling, holding…

His voice woke me up:

– Are you ok?

– Me??? Oh, sure, I’m fine.

Shifting sensation in my pants… and then I noticed his hand lowering down to touch himself. My intention was to avoid looking at his stiff clock… Too late. He knows that I know…

Why Is It So Painful to Be Vulnerable? (The Disciple that Jesus Loved)

Very often even if we are great at being loving and compassionate, caring and strong, we are afraid to show our vulnerable side. Why is it so? And why is it so much easier to show your softer side to your friends rather than to your partner? Intellectually we can say that it is connected to trust. Maybe we have been hurt way too many times to even attempt express and show our needs. Or maybe we do not think that our partner is capable of handling that? It is always easier to turn to your friends for help than to turn to your partner. But why is it like that? Why are we constantly trying to protect ourselves from love? In LGBT community there is a lot of vulnerability and negative background: former invalidation and rejections, struggles with inner and outer acceptance, as well as constant need to validate yourself in the world that does not accept you. Unless we overcome this stage of putting barriers and walls between the person we deeply care about, we will never be able to choreograph the real tango of a relationship. Behind every mistaken understanding of your partner, there is always a mistaken understanding of yourself. If you in that fearful state of your life, you draw close to them, you talk to them, and you find out that their self image is distorted and inadequate. That is why positive self image and understanding of self is so important in any good relationship. This should be the ultimate goal of every partner to help the other to clarify and heal their central foundational Self.

I see it as the ultimate goal of every serious relationship. It is amazing that this goal is so seldom reflected on. We always think about love as magic, and it is truly so. And of course magic does not always mean something that is not understandable. It is something that is infinitely understandable. You will never get a total grasp of it, but you will get a glimpse… if you look really carefully.

I know that I have a lot of Biblical references in my writings. And they do not carry any specific religious connotation. At least, this is not by any means my primary goal. But I would love to refer to John 17. Apostles talked about Jesus in a scandalous way. We are all taking it for granted now. Good orthodox Jews could not hear this talk. “Jesus says, do now, Father… Give me Glory at your side… A Glory that I had with you before the world began. I have made your name know to those you gave me in the world. THESE YOU GAVE ME WERE ALREADY YOURS. Now they realize that all you gave me comes from you. And they have received it….”  Do you see a split here? They believed in the divinity of Jesus, but Jesus, is clearly praying to ANOTHER ONE.

“I pray for them that they all may be one. As you, Father, are one in me, and I am one in you. I pray they may be one in us. ” – This is love. This is circular love. It is moving outward, and it sweeps, embracing, and pulling in….

When I read about the relationship that Jesus has with his Father it reshapes everything for me… Father is no longer OUT THERE. What kind of utterly new experience of love!!! What gave John such courage to describe love in this strange and new way? Let us not forget what kind of intimate relationship John, the writer of these words had with Jesus…

John did not need to protect himself from Jesus. John never felt vulnerable, never felt rejected, never felt brushed off or small…

(Can we love like they did? So we are able to reach out, and BE HEARD….)

LOVE, Ev…

Sorry if it’s too much. That’s how I read my Bible

Matthew 25:36-40 English Standard Version (ESV)

36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,[a] you did it to me.’

Now, just let me know if it needs any more interpretation than the text itself? When I was 13, I actually started reading the Gospel of John… Jesus Christ. At that time I already knew that I liked gay guys and that I was trans. And then this: John! There was this special something between Johnny and Jesus… Being a very imaginative Aspies as I was, I had one dream after another about being both with Jesus and John and making love with them. Now, if it is sacrilege to you, I am sorry. For me it was a pure innocent yet very vividly sexual experience, and I saw nothing wrong with it at all… Let me continue. 

    So… there is not just the poly love with one exclusive lover (Johnny – the most femm sub angel the Bible has every portrayed, unless we are counting Old Testament – then King David might clearly compete with Johnny.

Couple of words about Johnny… (He is not just Jesus’ favorite, he is my favorite too – such a twinky). 

John 13:23

One of His disciples, whom Jesus loved [whom He esteemed and delighted in], was reclining [next to Him] on Jesus’ bosom (chest…).

But here is Jesus and He is not just teaching them to make love to each other CLEARLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND ONLY HIM, but he is also teaching them to be verse. Exactly! Jesus was verse. Both dom and sub at the same time. Now, it is easy with Johnny, but what about Peter? Peter was all that masc, and bear-like dude and stuff… You would imagine him to be top: he would do it all to Jesus, whatever Jesus wants… No, Jesus was teaching Peter a different kind of love now…

( I hope it is not getting too hot for you now… lol – its hot enough for me to type this shit, but, hey… it is what it is  – there is nothing wrong with love, even if we are talking about Jesus)

So, Peter…. Let me google one thing…  I do not know if you would need me to comment on this one… It is hot as fuck by itself. Just read the pure Gospel here… And, hey, don’t you dare to read the Bible and touch yourself… lol 

 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Can there be anything sexier than that?

7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” Of course, Lord… Please do it to me, Lord…

8 “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.” wtf – Peter, dude, relax, I have been doing it so many times to me, I want to do it now… Can you, please-please-please just let me touch you?

Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” What kind of lover are you if you are not going to receive from me what I have been receiving from you?

 

Now watch the verse switch in Peter… 

9 “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!” Yeah, yeah, Pete… slow down, baby… we were just talking feet here… Now you are asking way too much of me… 

10 Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” 11 For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean. Here is the first betrayal… happens even to Jesus…

12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. What? You did not know that Jesus was naked the whole time? Oh, well…  

Listen to what the Teacher says now: 

 “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. Oh, Lord, yes…. Yes…, Lord, we get it, Lord…. Please just do it again – we want you so much, Lord… It was amazing…. 

Now see how dom Jesus is here…. 

13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master,You cannot be sub or dom all the time, you clearly need to love your partner and trust him so much that you would be able to both give and receive…  nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.  Now, guys, you know what to do. Go ahead… 

 

Sorry if it sounds way too much. This is how I read the Bible… lol (not really, I don’t read it anymore. But whenever I heard this reading in the church, this is exactly what I pictured in my mind). 

 

Lunch Break Daydreaming…

It was that perfect later afternoon that one might think of: the air – fresh and cool at the same time, while the sand – still warm under our bare feet. That walk… We both enjoyed every bit of it immensely. What CAN be compared to experiencing life with intensity? Nothing, really… It is not like life was not there for us before. It is that, for whatever reason, neither of us had the proper tools to transcend the mundane, maybe?  

There was nothing that could remind one of your regular afternoon walk on the beach: there was no talking… Not that there were no sounds at all – there were a lot of different sounds, but they were adjusting and re-adjusting their presence in the universal dance of harmony. There was breathing! Deep, slow, audible breathing… The kind of breathing that makes your lungs  expand above and beyond their regular capacity yet causing no discomfort or pain, but, on the other hand, releasing the soothing pleasure in the abdomens that rise and fall as if echoing the mighty ocean. And, of course, there was that presence of enormous vibration that would come and go, resonating with both the ocean and our breaths. What was the cause of the amount of energy being generated within and around us two, nobody actually knew. I call it love. It came to life all by itself, according to its usual habit. There was no need to force it, yet there was no force to stop it either. It would regenerate with ever-so-new intensity every time our thoughts collide. Our hands, our tongues – these were but the tip of the iceberg of what was happening on a much greater level of our being. Our whole lives were intertwined so seriously, that there was no room for anything else at all. Or at least not now, not at this moment… The love we generated could clearly flood the whole earth, and there probably would still have some room left for other parts of the world! There was a certain level of contentment and maybe even maturity in being at peace with Self above all else, and that did not leave any room for rivalry or jealousy of any kind at all. 

I took your hand in mine, and we stopped just to confirm with our touch what we already new. There was nothing to gain and all to share. I drew you closer to me, and our bodies brushed ever so slightly. I could hear your heartbeat, and it resonated with mine. You made a slight move, and we ended up in each other’s arms with our lips opening and then locking allowing our tongues one limitless exploration of each other’s mouth. Your tongue felt strong inside my mouth, and mine just followed the lead, yet the immense pleasure we shared embraced  both of us with the same intensity. 

We were young…

So, I visited Chris in Germany that Christmas. It was intense! He lived in Trier, in the Alps, on the borders with both France and Luxembourg – gorgeous place! An architect – of course we’re going to be sightseeing the most amazing castles, churches, cathedrals; but we’re going to be visiting night clubs and disco parties… Was I looking forward to it! We were both 18, but hey, this was Germany, where you can buy beer and cigarettes on the street from a vending machine… And did we smoke that Christmas! There were days and nights full of sex and pleasure! But that one afternoon… He was working on some project on the bridge design with one of his classmates. We visited their apartment. The guy had a boyfriend, and both of them seemed very friendly. It did not make me any less jealous that my Chris is busy with some other guy when I want him so bad. I was a jealous piece of work at 19. Thank goodness I don’t give a dump anymore about these things. That was a real torture for me. So, Chris and his classmate, locked in the room, working on the blueprint of some fucking bridge… And it is so gorgeous outside… And I want to go for a walk and kiss, and play snowballs…  cuddle in the snow… visit some small coffee shops… Just be with him alone. 

• My boyfriend will make sure that you are not bored, while I am working with Chris on the project. He is a very welcoming and charming guy.

• Of course. Not a problem. We will… drink something in the kitchen and try to get to know each other… – I cared less about this prince charming: I wanted my Chris so bad. 

After two-three shots and some boring conversation, and devastating torture due to suffacating jeousy, I finally heard Chris open the door… How I want him right now! Fuck that bridge, and his college, and his friend…

• Chris, baby, I think we should get going – I wrapped my arms around his neck and touched his lips with my nose ever so gently. He pulled me towards himself. He must have been able to feel me tremble in his arms, because he squeezed me even harder, and pressed his hard dick so hard into my body, that a wave of multiple spasms ran through my whole body several times… I tried to catch my breath… A light kiss on the lips…

• All right, guys, we got to go. Thank you, what do you think about maybe seeing each other next weekend?

What the hell is he talking about? I am not seeing any of his friends next weekend. I need him all to myself! We went outside and I felt fresh winter air rushing through my lungs. It was so good! 

That night after we walked, and kissed, and visited some places…; after we drank and smoked… we finally were alone in the room – anticipation…

A kiss? A kiss.. My tongue inside his mouth… his hand sliding down, down, down my back, reaching my hip… sliding even lower (“Chris, I want you so bad!”) and squeezes my bun so hard that I scream and moan at the same time. Undressing each other both turned on  – stripping the clothes from our hot bodies, throwing both clothes and ourselves on the floor… Two kids in love… wrestling, yielding, breathing… moaning… touching… 

Not all leftists are left and not all rightists are RIGHT (pun intended).

Very many members of LGBT + community are exclusively tribal.. Or let me say, many have BEEN tribal till very recently. On may levels the community itself is breaking apart. Our relationships are breaking apart. Our hearts, our minds, our bodies…

It shouldn’t be that way. We are talking a lot, our viewpoints are reflected in our politics… But it is exciting that we still can come together as a community,  on various platforms, and challenge the identifies we all grew up with. (Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Pan… as well as those referring to gender identities – trans; cis…).  There is a lot of irony in all of this. People who are talking about acceptance – have been very tribal, not accepting of anyone who is a tiny little bit different form us…

I do not want to rely on one tribe’s understanding of relationships, but I want to rather look from a greater LGBTQIA + kind of perspective… Radical Incivility…

The time seems to be right for that. It is not everybody, but we are here (we are queer), right? Right? It is a lot of people that are appearing to responding to these changes. I could have never expected this to happen. I never planned writing on this topic and sharing these ideas with the public, but here we are. What I am basically doing, is just standing out there (or out here) and observing…  And I am pleasantly humbled by the all of those who allow me to contribute to the change.  But more than that – I am happy that my role as a community member does not end with being an observer, although It clearly begins that way. I am thankful for the opportunity of participation.

I am also happy for the internet which allows me to connect with people… What a gift! We can ask/answer each other questions… and offer support.

I don’t live a life of many, I live a life of my own.  I don’t know how many of you were raised gay or trans…. (not that many, right?) But all gay people would not question a certain thing. And that is the fact that you were born that way.

And one of the ways to find this out about yourself is through interactions with others and eventually through relationships.

You are not gay or queer if you are on an island all by yourself. You are only gay or queer in relations to others. I was raised in the USSR, and believe it or not, I was taught that everything that I am is pathological. Resonates with any of you? They said that love is like this, and don’t even question it, because everything else is you being sick. Same is with the ideas of poly-mono relationships dialogue.

For all practical purposes we are all monogamous. We don’t usually know how to put three or more together. Anything more than two, does not usually compute with our minds.

Now, let us talk about Trinity (not because there are three of them, but because of the energy and the dynamic behind the three.) I am going to talk a little bit about the Trinity, using it as a metaphorical example, and a little bit simplifying it. When you are a writer, and you are reading the Bible from that perspective, every line is astounding. It HAS to be inspired (as long as the literary inspiration goes). I am not talking about Christianity literally but literary and transformationally. If you look at Genesis, it says “Let US create in OUR image…” And this has always been problematic for the church as much as for the jews as well. Why is God is using the plural pronoun twice?

If there is so much potentiality in spiritual texts, why are there so many angry religious people? If God is an eternal torture, basically excluding, excluding, and excluding, no wonder we have universal low self -esteem.

If so many right wing religious are doing this, why are we, as a community, doing the same thing? Religious are preoccupied with who does not belong. How about us?

We were supposed to be inclusive from the very beaning. But we were not.  Maybe we should challenge this now? We have to . If we want to survive as community. We simply have to0.